"After lunch I suddenly became aware that I’m on my own, for better or worse. Exactly what I mean I can only express by using the word “deference”, which was what I always felt with Vanessa. I do not mean the suggestion of flattery which the word can have, but I always did defer to her opinions or feelings. Now, henceforth, I think I shall always defer to her opinions: I know or can guess so often what they would be. But her feelings no longer exist, so in that respect I feel I am alone."